Last week Ethan started his first days at daycare.
Recently I had to make my first sad and tough decision as a daddy… and that decision led to a heartbreaking day… but it was all done for my son and his well being.
Recently my wife and I decided to send Ethan to daycare. I was raised at home by my mom and never would have thought I would send my kid to daycare. In fact, I was against it for many years and thought that daycare parents were getting the easy way out. All I can say is that it is easy to judge, but things all change when you become a parent.
As a parent, I started to research about daycare and learned how daycare can speed up a child’s learning. It helps with developing social skills and most importantly… and this was the MAIN reason I did it.. daycare forces my son outside his comfort zone and into the real world.
Ethan’s first 15 months
Kelly’s mom has been helping take care of Ethan since he was born, and we all love him and adore him at home. In many ways, since he is the only child now, I felt that he was spoiled in many ways. He always got all the attention, and I admit that I have been definitely over protective, making sure Ethan never gets banged up, experiences any discomfort or “tough times.” He is always comfortable, and has us around him.
But is that good for him?
Hurting Ethan by Being Too Protective
I always talk about how the only way we grow is to be “outside our comfort zone.” We must get used to dealing and surviving in new and difficult situations. Forcing myself outside my comfort zone is the prerequisite for success, and is my goal each day.
Just like you, forcing myself outside the comfort zone is not easy, but I have recently learned as a parent that putting my beloved child outside his comfort zone is even harder! I want to protect my son at all times. Even at home I am always worried about Ethan and how he might hurt himself.
So I feel that Ethan has been super well treated and pampered at home… he is the luckiest boy… and I love him very much. But what I was doing to him by being over protective and constantly worrying about him was actually hurting him in the long run. He needed to be with other kids and in new situations so that he could develop. Also, if he got used to all the pampering at home, he would grow up to be a wimpy kid. He needed to meet new friends… get roughed up a little… deal with a few bullies… and most importantly, learn that he cannot always get what he wants. It’s for his own good.
So reluctantly I dropped him off at daycare the other day. Right now Ethan is going only 2 days a week so it’s not that sudden a change for him.
Ethan’s First Days at Daycare
The first day of daycare was ok. He went to the room, and I stayed with him for 15 minutes. He wandered around and was fine until I left. Once he saw me leaving, he started to wail… somehow I was expecting the reaction and it didn’t bother me that much. But the second day… wow… that was bad. The second day was the day after we had a great time in Disneyland, and Ethan was especially attached to me. When he woke up that day, he was yelling for me instead of “mama.”
The whole morning he was calling for me and if you have ever experienced that, nothing can make a parent happier… and then I had to drop him off at daycare! Ethan recognized the place and the second we stepped into the room he wailed and clung onto my leg. I felt terrible, and was really sad that I was doing this to my son. I kept on saying that it was for his own good, but deep down, I was sad to see him cry and felt that I was betraying his trust in me. Especially since he was so attached to me that morning! He basically cried the entire 30 minutes that I stayed with him… It was definitely an emotional moment for me… I knew I was doing the right thing for Ethan, but it hurt…
When I picked him up, it didn’t get much better. I kind of sneaked up to the classroom to see what he was doing, and he was crying by himself! Poor kid! When he saw me, he didn’t even smile much. It took over 30 minutes, and it wasn’t until I started to show him how to dribble a ball that he started to smile again.
My Experience as a New Daddy
For experienced parents, I’m sure you have gone through what I went through. But for a new daddy like me, this was the first emotionally tough decision I had to make. It was something that I did not want to do, but getting Ethan used to being outside his comfort zone is the best thing I can do for his future. That is the only way we can grow and get better.
Feel free to comment below and especially for all those experienced parents out there, I’m all ears to hear advice! 🙂
God Bless,
Simon Chan
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Travis Kamiyama says
I applaud your courage and showing him the way early on as a father, gaurdian, mentor and coach…
Susan Bryce says
I thought USANA was providing you with this wonderful opportunity to enjoy staying home with Ethan. He’s little for such a short time – these years will never come again. You have this awesome opportunity and responsibility to help develop his character during these critical years. Why give your precious child over to daycare when you don’t have to? In my opinion, he is too young to understand why you are leaving him and he doesn’t have the ability to communicate his abandonment; however, his actions and the picture of him certainly convey it. Maybe Dad could release a little of his worry and overprotectiveness and allow Ethan to get a few bumps in his safe home environment. Getting roughed up and bullied in daycare at 15 months of age doesn’t sound like something I would want my child exposed to. I was raised by a stay-at-home mom and I am very grateful to this day for her sacrifice and gift to me. Children are a gift from God – treasure every moment – they all too soon grow up.
Claire Desat says
I can so relate to that Simon. It was heartbreaking at times dropping my son to daycare. He goes 2 times a week and started at about the same age as Ethan. He is an only child and we felt it was important for his social skills. Now at 3 1/2 he is very independent and confident. There have been times over the last two years I was in tears dropping him off but i can see the difference between him and other kids in his playgroup who have been with mum the whole time. It's a good thing.
Trish Ryder says
Simon, My heart goes out to you. I still remember the first separation and it’s devastating. It’s harder on us as parents than the children. Within a short period of time Ethan will be happy to go to daycare. Glue a smile on your face and tell him to have a great day…..and leave. Whatever you do don’t look back…the kids wait for that and will really turn on the tears. Then go home and get busy knowing your son is growing into a fine young man because you and Kelly care enough to make the tough decisions.
Trish Ryder
may mana says
For the first year of my son i chose to stay at home too! I made sure everything was ok and wouldn’t aow him to be hurt,made sure he had everything he needed…but then i too realized that in order for him to grow emotionally, i would have to let him explore his environment,be exposed to other kids and be able to respond to situations he has to face at his age…i think it is normal for you to feel a bit anxious.i felt the samethe first time left marc at playmates (a shop offering to tend to kids while parents do a little dating or grocery) but you should have seen my husband heheh he was so worried that he frantically ran to the place when time was up…i give u a thumbs up on this one. It is true they are only young once…but to grow they also need to get out of their comfort zone…they need this o be able to learn how to face life’s tough situations, to learn how to battle the difficult decisions and make the most out of bad or good times. Just assure ethan that you will be there once time is up and i am sure that he will learn to love it…help him make friends too!
Deb says
Hi Simon,
I’m a grandma here. My thought is this may be a bit drastic of a change for Ethan. Do they speak Chinese at the day care? You had mentioned only speaking Chinese to him at home.
My own two were at home until they were old enough for pre-school because we were self-employed. So they went for a year before starting kindergarten, mostly for the socialization as we lived in a very rural area and they didn’t get to play with other kids enough.
I have five grandchildren now. Three were born and lived in Norway for the first part of their lives. In Norway they went to Barne Hage starting about at 18 mo. That’s their system of pre-school. It is excellent and they all seemed to do well. They have now moved here to the US and are starting elementary school.
Of my other two, both were in day care for awhile at his mom’s school, but the younger one began to get frequent infections, so his mom actually changed her schedule for a year so she could stay home with him, and teach online and at night instead. The next year I moved here and cared for him, while the older one was ready to start kindergarten. The younger started and attended pre-school then for two years and I had him part-time. Now he started kindergarten too.
I still am conservative and think ideally they should be home and not in pre-school at least until they are 3.
Guess you’ll have to just see how Ethan does with it. Hope it all works out.
Sheila says
Simon,
You know your child better than anyone. So, only you can know what is best for him. I can see where you are coming from. I am a stay at home Mom and I love my job. However, there was a time when my daughter was 2 years old and I wanted her to be around other children. So, I took a job at the best daycare in the area. I wasn’t in her classroom. Her teachers seemed great and I was happy with them. I saw a lot and heard a lot of things that I did not approve of in other classrooms and swore if I ever saw my daughter have a bad experience that I would pull her out immediately. Well, one day I witnessed the teacher literally yelling and throwing things. I went to the director immediately, reported what I saw and pulled my daughter out immediately. If I hadn’t been in the classroom I would have never known. I know people that have great experiences in daycare’s and others that have had experiences like my own. My best advice to you is to go into the daycare at different times and see what is going on.
I hope this helps and I hope Ethan has a great experience!
ARTHUR CANDAZA CLAVO says
CONGRATULATIONS MR SIMON.
THANKS A LOT FOR ALL UR LECTURES / TEACHINGS…
im already in the 50s … i worked overseas when my only child (son) was only 2 yrs old and was able to be with him often when he was already ten yrs old although every two years im having my vacation in the philippines.
i believed day care centers to a lot of good things to our child….
the child can develop his/her talents with the other kids .. and enjoy learning and playing with them too.
i salute all day care centers. we have one in our village.
Emmanuelle Agustin says
My baby boy is 15months now. Same feeling as a dad. As a nature, it is good that parents take good care of their children, but now we realize the importance of a daycare. Im thinkin about it now and yes it is uncomfortable for us. We have just to develop our courage more.
Quek Kai Hock says
Hi Simon,
Go with what your heart tells you what is good, not your head (which is what is right).
Your Head probably says that Day Care is the right thing for him BUT I can sense that your heart tells you this is hurting.
Creating separation anxiety at a young age can lead to a traumatize experience of not trusting people in the future. He trusted you to protect him, true?
Instead of a Day Care, what I did was… I opted for 1-hr/2-hr enrichment programs where one of the parent was in it. The purpose is to get to used to a stranger (i.e. teacher) and a group of kids. They had fun and they look forward to more.
And then, I moved them to a 3-hrs kindergarten after 1 year where parents are not there. But they have gotten use to the idea of teacher and friends. Before you do that, ensure that you imprint positive picture of FUN and FRIENDS rather than “You must listen to the teacher. Else, the teacher will scold you” or “Don’t fight with other kids”.
By doing all these, I did not have challenges for both my kids transiting from home to 1-hr parents-involve enrichment classes to 3-hrs kindergarten to primary school. In fact, my girl chases the mom home so that she can have more fun in school… ha ha
Hope this help.
Kai Hock, Singapore
Alfredo Buan says
Greetings…
As i read your post…(1’m a little bit conservative w/ this kind of decision) i’m not well convinced with what you did to yur 2 yr old son, but that’s your decision, for me i let my children, 3 of them go to daycare when they were already 4 or 5 yrs old each, We 1st let them learn things at our home, supplying them whatever toys/gadgets is required w/ their age, allowing them to quarrel, fight, have some bruises that were of kids things. We were ok i thought because we have 3 children… try to have another baby…
Regards.
David Risher says
There is a lot of truth in what you said, and is it fair to let him grow up around only adults?, he needs the interaction with other children to prevent him from being socially retarted. Also, it teaches him that you will “be back”, it is hard at first, but so is walking. You are blessed with the opportunity to spend more time than most with your family, enjoy the moment.
Sharon Lam says
It's very difficult for parents to see their child suffering in any way. My younger and older boys both went through that. It was VERY hard. I would leave them trying not to show tears in my eyes. =( I am still very emotional when I "relive" the moment.
They are both a few years older now. When I ask them if they remember crying and asking mommy to teach them at home, they would deny it.
You are doing the right thing for Ethan. Children need to learn to climb over obstacles to grow. God is taking care of him. Remember that even though we sometimes feel "out of control", He is in control. =) and.. Ethan won't remember it in the future. Haha.. =)
Faith Conn Kemper says
I’m sorry to see you putting your son in daycare. My husband and I felt consistency in discipline was so important in raising our children. Even at home, they were NEVER out of my site or hearing. It was sometimes difficult being a stay-at-home mom, but it was the best decision we ever made. Sure, we protected them from outside influences, monitored what they watched on television (mostly videos back then), and never allowed them to fight. But, I think that with God’s help, our church, and Christian school, you couldn’t find more socially adept and self-confident young adults than our blessings – Conn, Jordan and Christie! Just continue to pray and seek God’s guidance in all of your decisions. May God give you wisdom as I know you endeavor to be GREAT parents!
Carolyn Humiston says
Simon,
Ethan will be fine and will flourish socially with other children in daycare. When he is home give him the same loving family he is happy with and used to, but he will have experienced REAL life outside. He will be fine and I believe better for it!. ONE NOTE ABOUT DAYCARE……..KEEP HIM on USANIMALS for daycare sickness. They do carry and share bad stuff.
My children both went to daycare. One didn’t want to come home at the end of the day! She was my first and therefore an only child. Loved the other children to play with and the learning. The second already had the first and didn’t need the socialization as much, but is successful as an adult and a USANA Associate entrepreneur. Can’t be all that bad!
You are an example to follow for any child, even at 2. You are a loving dad. He has a loving mother. Keep doing what you are doing and follow your own best advice!!
Best to you, Kelly and Ethan.
Dfezie Torres-Tipan says
Hello Simon,
Congratulations to you for having a little ‘let go’ of Ethan. I have five kids myself and putting them through daycare seems always a new experience for me because their reactions to it are different (except for my twin boys who forgot me by the time I was out the door as they had each other for support). The best things, I guess (and I read this somewhere), that we can give our kids are their roots and their wings. You are doing very well in making Ethan establish his roots over time – who his family is, who he is (strengths, weaknesses eventually). Now is the time to allow him to test his wings. In little ways, of course. The learning process always is uncomfortable, both for the kid and the parents. Again, I am amazed that you can empathize with Moms like me. The first day of school or first of anything is always hard for the moms. I believe I was the one who could barely let go of my kids’ hands before I have to leave them at the daycare room. My husband told me I looked more concerned than my kids! But, there you go. You, Kelly and Ethan are ok 🙂
Jonathan Chng says
Hi Simon,
There isn’t any real advice from one father to another (even though I have 2 sons of my own). I just believe that whatever course of actions you decided to take up in parenting, will be the right one as you did it out of pure love! So go and enjoy every minute of the happiness, the heartache, the frustration and the surprises cause these are the memories that will stay with you for life and these are the most valuable ones that you will forever treasure! Cheers!
Jonathan
Christina Tseng says
Hi Simon
I can fully sympathise with you.When we migrated to Perth from Singapore, my main priority was to never have my youngest daughter go through the trauma of being put in day care like her older siblings were. That’s why I decided to be a stay at home mum. My daughter Stephanie is 10 today and is one of the most independent, confident, sociable and happy little persons I have ever met. Her older siblings have turned out OK as well. Although I must say that the bonding is so much stronger with my youngest.It broke my heart to put my eldest son in day care and like you I hated to see my 18 month old clinging to the gate of his day care when we drove away. It was horrible. My son who is aged 20 today told me that he still recalls the trauma of daycare. That shocked me because I never imagined that he would recall something experienced so early in his life! I made time to do lots of activities with Stephanie from the time she was 6 months old – swimming with other kids, kids gym, play groups, music groups. It was great for me too as I got to socialise with other mums. We did the lot so she never missed out on socialising and learning to be less dependent of me. When the time was right, at age 3 we put her in early kindy 3 days a week and she loved it. I know I have done the right thing when I see how she has turned out.
ROLANDO GALVEZ says
I admire your courage Simon!..we must understand that being away with our loved ones especially our kids, is the price for being successful, or to provide for our family. We are now in the age of information technology, gone are the days of Agricultural times that families do stick together. But you are an exceptoinal Dad, a very passionate, loving person..I think your son will be very proud of you someday…keep it up Simon! good luck and God bless you and your family!
Ivy Choy says
Although I don’t have any kids yet, I absolutely understand what you going through.
This will be an amazing journey for you and Ethan.
As a parent, its true that it will be a tough decision, and yes, Usana has already provided you the freedom to be with your family all time, but this step is also help Ethan to create his own journey too. I believe it will be a great chance for him to start learning have other people around in his life.
Comfort zone… well, we never know where is the real comfort zone for him, Ethan might found that the child care centre is another comfort zone for him in the near future?…
In my childhood, my parents brought me up in a tough way, not saying that they don’t love me, and its just because they do love me so much, that’s why they want me to be independent. I didn’t understand why at the time, but now I’m very thankful that they did, as that’s what lead me to success today.
I’m sure, you will provide the same to Ethan or maybe even more, and Ethan sure will be another successful entrepreneur in the future!
All the best!! =)
Siuking says
It always happens as new parents, and you may think that won’t happen with a second child, it may be easier but it hurts the same. We have to teach our kids to grow in the world so when they become older they know how to manage in every situation, as you said, is the best thing you can do, keep it on.